Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Wimbledon To Assign Courts Based on Anatomical Dimensions

In an effort to stem the tide of criticism over the use of heterosex appeal as a criterion for assigning courts in the women’s side of the bracket, Wimbledon officials have announced new gender equitable criteria for next year. All entrants (regardless of sex or gender identity) over the age of 18 will submit a certified list of anatomical measurements and a full body color photograph taken in a swim suit. The anatomical measurements submitted must be certified as accurate by a physician who will complete the measurements according to a strict protocol approved by Wimbledon officials. The anatomical measurements for competitors in the men’s championship must include shoulder width, chest circumference, height and, of course penis length and girth, at rest and erect. The competitors in the women’s event must submit measurements for body weight, breast size and booty circumference.

Nigel Weinemeyer-Smythe, a spokesperson for Wimbledon, said, “Size does matter and we believe that it should be taken into account for both the men’s and women’s championship. That is the only fair thing.”

As for the photographs, Weinemeyer-Smythe said, “We will appoint a panel of heterosexual judges who will be representative of the audience demographics we target for our championship. They will review the photographs. Their heterosex appeal ratings will be combined with the physical anatomy rankings using a scientific formula to determine which competitors play on centre court and then the ugly, excuse me, less attractive ones will be assigned to the other courts.”

Rumors have suggested that Wimbledon officials have also contemplated changing the required tennis attire to highlight the anatomical assets of the players. “Spandex all around,” chortled Weinemeyer-Smythe. He also said that Wimbledon officials were considering an adjunct competition that would name a king and queen of Wimbledon based on a ranking of all the competitors’ anatomical and photographic submissions. Weinemeyer-Smythe stated, “In the future, we might consider making this competition the focus of Wimbledon and make the actual tennis playing secondary depending on the fan response. "It gets so sweaty, you know.”

Players’ reaction to these changes has been immediate. Betty Breastimplant, who played on centre court this year, despite never having even owned a tennis racket before, bubbled, “With these new standards, I hope to get increased exposure and finally get that photo shoot for Maxim I’ve been after.”

Weinemeyer-Smythe concluded, “We heard the outcry over our focus on the women players’ attractiveness and this is a huge step forward for gender equity in sport. We are so proud that we have taken the lead in leveling the playing field. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, eh what!”

11 comments:

ken said...

Did you hear? They were going to use more objective experiments to measure judges' responses to the various players--know you, measuring brain stimulation using MRIs. But when they ran a few test cases they found some disturbing results: some judges had equal or greater brain activity when viewing players of the same sex. Eeks!

Pat Griffin said...

OMG, this is just shocking! Shocking, I say. Does Nigel know about this?

Anonymous said...

I don't understand whether this is a joke or is it that wimbledon organizers have gone cukoo.

what is acid reflux

negocios rentables said...

hello, i would like to read more about this interesting topic beacuase it is really interesting.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.casino-online.gd]no deposit casino bonus[/url] punt back on 888 casino furnish: Facebook is expanding its efforts to introduce real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a deal with the online gambling chuck 888 Holdings.And Bye.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.onlineslots.gd]online casinos[/url] game on 888 casino apportion: Facebook is expanding its efforts to institute real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a grab with with the online gambling cast 888 Holdings.And Bye.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.onlinecasinos.gd]no deposit bonus[/url] daresay on 888 casino grapple with: Facebook is expanding its efforts to mete out real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a grab with with the online gambling companions 888 Holdings.And Bye.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.casino-casino.gd/]craps online[/url] punt invest in on 888 casino furnish: Facebook is expanding its efforts to institute real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a apportion with the online gambling companions 888 Holdings.And Bye.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.freecasinobonus.gd]online craps[/url] wager move in reverse on 888 casino apportion: Facebook is expanding its efforts to institute real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a apportion with the online gambling firm 888 Holdings.And Bye.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.freecasinobonus.gd]no deposit casino bonus[/url] take a chance on 888 casino disburse: Facebook is expanding its efforts to put forward real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a grapple with with the online gambling hard 888 Holdings.And Bye.

safegenericrx said...

Nice blog thanks for sharing this informative blog with us.
Cheap etizolam online