Wimbledon To Assign Courts Based on Anatomical Dimensions

In an effort to stem the tide of criticism over the use of heterosex appeal as a criterion for assigning courts in the women’s side of the bracket, Wimbledon officials have announced new gender equitable criteria for next year. All entrants (regardless of sex or gender identity) over the age of 18 will submit a certified list of anatomical measurements and a full body color photograph taken in a swim suit. The anatomical measurements submitted must be certified as accurate by a physician who will complete the measurements according to a strict protocol approved by Wimbledon officials. The anatomical measurements for competitors in the men’s championship must include shoulder width, chest circumference, height and, of course penis length and girth, at rest and erect. The competitors in the women’s event must submit measurements for body weight, breast size and booty circumference.

Nigel Weinemeyer-Smythe, a spokesperson for Wimbledon, said, “Size does matter and we believe that it should be taken into account for both the men’s and women’s championship. That is the only fair thing.”

As for the photographs, Weinemeyer-Smythe said, “We will appoint a panel of heterosexual judges who will be representative of the audience demographics we target for our championship. They will review the photographs. Their heterosex appeal ratings will be combined with the physical anatomy rankings using a scientific formula to determine which competitors play on centre court and then the ugly, excuse me, less attractive ones will be assigned to the other courts.”

Rumors have suggested that Wimbledon officials have also contemplated changing the required tennis attire to highlight the anatomical assets of the players. “Spandex all around,” chortled Weinemeyer-Smythe. He also said that Wimbledon officials were considering an adjunct competition that would name a king and queen of Wimbledon based on a ranking of all the competitors’ anatomical and photographic submissions. Weinemeyer-Smythe stated, “In the future, we might consider making this competition the focus of Wimbledon and make the actual tennis playing secondary depending on the fan response. "It gets so sweaty, you know.”

Players’ reaction to these changes has been immediate. Betty Breastimplant, who played on centre court this year, despite never having even owned a tennis racket before, bubbled, “With these new standards, I hope to get increased exposure and finally get that photo shoot for Maxim I’ve been after.”

Weinemeyer-Smythe concluded, “We heard the outcry over our focus on the women players’ attractiveness and this is a huge step forward for gender equity in sport. We are so proud that we have taken the lead in leveling the playing field. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, eh what!”