Scary Lesbian Kisses Threaten WNBA Viability

There will be no kiss cams at Washington Mystics games. What is a kiss cam you ask? It is a ubiquitous practice at NBA games where the TV camera pans the crowd, picks a couple (heterosexual, of course) and projects their image on the Jumbotron. The crowd calls for them to smooch. When they do, everyone cheers. Harmless fun, right?

That is unless the couple consists of two women. Defending the decision to eliminate the Kiss Cam Washington Mystics owner Sheila Johnson cited the “inappropriateness” of women kissing women and the potential for alienating other fans who are largely dads and daughters.

OK, I understand that the WNBA is on somewhat shaky financial ground, especially in this economic climate. I get that WBNA owners and players want to keep fans in the seats. I understand that these factors make them shy away from associating with anything they see as controversial or potentially a threat to the viability of the league.

What I don’t get is the on-going outrageous homophobia and outright disrespect for lesbian fans. What makes me sad is the deep seated internalized homophobia of lesbian fans and players who collude with these heterosexist practices: “We will only be tolerated if we remain invisible, well-behaved, inoffensive, appropriate (and heterosexual people get to decide if we pass this test).”

Hello! Everyone already knows that lesbians play in the WNBA. Everyone already knows that lesbians are a major part of the WNBA fan base. The WNBA needs lesbian players, fans and coaches. If we had a lesbian walk out or boy (girl) cott, the WNBA would really be feeling the hurt. Yet, lesbians in the stands and on the court are expected to be “appropriate” which, of course means shut up, sit down and make yourself as invisible as possible. When will this charade end? Everyone is afraid of offending anyone who is not a lesbian, but apparently lesbians are supposed to take slap in the face after slap in the face and turn the other cheek for more. Enough.

If I had known how powerful a lesbian kiss is, I would have been using it to address some issues I’d like to see changed. Violence against women? Let’s harness the power of lesbian lip locks to scare those perpetrators into submission. A screwed up health care system? Give me some lesbians sucking face, we’ll see if that doesn’t get those guys in congress to act.

I mean, of course, I discovered the power of participating in a lesbian kiss a long time ago, but I had no idea of its potential for affecting hundreds of people at a time by virtue of merely witnessing a good ole dykacious lip smack. If we can clear a basketball arena with just one kiss projected on the Jumbotron, just think what else we could accomplish. Smack! I bet I could always find a parking place. Smack! I could make the Red Sox win. Smoocharoo! I get a place at the front of the line at the bank. Pucker up, baby! I can silence those rude cell phone users in public places – all by deploying the power of my lovely, luscious, lavender, lesbian lips.

I call on all my Sapphic sisters! Rise up! Lick those weapons of mass affection on your face. Pucker up and change the world. Apparently, we’ve been given greater gifts than we ever imagined. Let’s canoodle the world into equality and justice.